The FHM Bucket List: Race A Train (And Win)

The second feature in our #FHMBucketList series, meant to inspire you to do something other than making ass grooves on the couch: Kabeer Sharma drives an Audi TT from Delhi to the Taj Mahal, Abhishek Saksena takes the train.

The rules

• Both writers will start their journey from the New Delhi Railway Station.
• No prior booking of tickets is allowed.
• The car has to stick to legal speed limits i.e. 50 kmph in the city and 100 kmph on the Expressway.
• Both writers have to reach the Taj Mahal and meet at the fountain next to the honeymooning couples.
• The loser has to buy the winner two beers every day for the rest of the week.

The contenders

Car – Name: Audi TT. Route: Via Yamuna Expressway but sticking to speed limits. Strengths: Powerful engine and four wheel drive make it a fun drive. Looks stunning too. Flaws: Low nose a nuisance on bad roads. Attracts too much attention everywhere.

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Train – Name: Punjab Mail. Route: Leaves Delhi at 5:15 am and reaches Agra at 8:50 am. Strengths: One of the most comfortable forms of transport. Hundreds can travel at a time. Flaws: Delays are a part of travelling on trains in India. Never know when it will halt for no apparent reason.

1. Preparation

Car (Kabeer)

Considering there wasn’t much to do after the Audi TT arrived the night before, I decided to trim my beard, have a drink and like every respectable urban Indian pass out on the couch while watching The Simpsons. Next morning’s wake-up call is 4 am, which present a unique challenge – to brew up a cup of coffee, juice up the phone and read up what Twitter was bitching about the night before or not. The not part has won. And it’s already going to be tough to beat the Shatabdi. It’s 4.20 am. Abhishek has anyway spent a good part of the intervening night grumbling that it was only fair to get a car that had its head planted on its shoulders rather than the one I had picked. But there is no way I am getting up at 4 am on a Saturday to drive a sane car. Things to carry are simple enough – Cigarette lighter USB point has to be transferred from the day car, mobile cables for the two phones, sunglasses, water and juice pack. Quick shower. It’s 4.35. The choice is between hair wax and toast with honey. Hair wax wins. 4.43: I am in the car, arrive at New Delhi Railway Station, 10 minutes late to find Abhishek waiting.

Train (Abhishek)

I have travelled in trains a lot as a kid and know that there isn’t a more relaxing way to travel in India. And the only preparation I need is a good night’s sleep. In the morning the Shatabdi will beat that over priced excuse of a car, hands down. It’s 3.30 am. Quick shower. Check. Camera. Check. Phone juiced up. Shoot! I should be leaving, I still don’t have a ticket. 4.15 am. The schmuck at the ticket window looks at me like I ordered a nuclear strike on the railway station. It’s just a ticket man! Which he says I can’t have. Because it’s sold out. Anyhow, he tells me the Punjab Mail is available which I accept. This is not going to be as easy as I had thought. Where is Kabeer anyway? It’s 4.45 am already. He’s “running late” again. Bet moussing his hair takes hours. He shows up with just enough time for me to hand him some new rules. As Baldrick told Black Adder on many occasions, “I have a cunning plan”. Ha ha ha! (laugh in evil villain tone). Speed limits. That ought to slow him down.

2. En route

Car

Abhishek has not found a ticket on the Shatabdi! Which means his only other option is to take either the Taj Express or the Punjab Mail. Both of which take in excess of three hours to get to Agra. I have won this race even before I finger the start/ stop button on the car. I sip on grape juice, start a mini stampede at the NDLS and take pictures of the car. I hear back from Abhishek – he’s managed to get a ticket on the Punjab Mail which leaves Delhi at 5.15 am and arrives in Agra at 8.50. My fellow traveller too is beginning to accept his impending defeat. He decides to come up with a last minute rule – I can’t drive above speed limits. Even at 5.15 am. I accept. Who wants to hear more whining? This means that I coast along and by the time I get on the Yamuna Expressway I have managed to kill 34 mins, download Hyperlapse and then been disappointed by it because the light is too low to make a video. I pull over, take some pictures, set some filters, send out some tweets, chat with a toll booth attendant who encourages me to go faster. I have explained the new rules to him. I have to stick to the speed limit – he laughs. This is beginning to get boring. I pull over at Jewar to use the facilities which I am told will be gone by the time you read this (the loo+restaurant is operative till Sept 30th). I try to make more videos, by now the hunger is kicking up a storm. I pull up at a pit stop, two tolls later, for breakfast. There isn’t any. Abhishek might be running late, but he must be getting fed like a king. I’m bored. I download an app to try and track his movement. It doesn’t work. I try something called RailRadar, doesn’t work either. I fiddle with the radio and soldier on.

Train

How does anyone get anywhere on time, travelling in trains in India is anybody’s guess. Really, Indian Railways? I’m fighting on your side and the train is running late?!? Is that how you win a race? 5.23 am. Finally we’re moving. The uncle-ji on the opposite berth is snoring like a walrus. I find another seat and plug my phone in to charge and track my progress. Yamuna Expressway is a boring stretch of road and Kabeer should be parking to the side any time now. Just passed Faridabad. 5.57 am. The phone call has gone unanswered. Hope he suffered a puncture or some catastrophe like that. Unfortunately not. Three minutes later he calls back. Trying to track me with an app. Fat chance! Just as I am feeling confident, the train comes to a halt outside Kosi Kalan at 6.45 am. These unscheduled stops are about as useful as a flat tyre. No network and no youtube. 7.45 am. The ten minute stop at Mathura is a killer. I down a couple of potato cutlets and bread. Not the best breakfast in the world, but it will have to do. 8.20 am. Raja Ki Mandi. We’re in Agra, but not quite. The uncle-ji has woken up and tells me the Taj is closer from here. I get off the train and confirm with a cop. He tells me otherwise. Back in the train. I have a good mind to put uncle-ji back to sleep again! Agra Cantt. Station is where I have to be.

3. Final stretch

Car

I’m now off the Expressway and on the State Highway. It’s 8.09. I decide to take the exit to Agra Cantt. Just to see if I arrive faster than the Shatabdi which Abhishek didn’t manage to get a seat on. I don’t. I pass the Yamuna on the World’s most convoluted parallel clover leaf flyover and get stuck in a traffic jam in front of Agra Fort. By the time I arrive at Agra Cantt, the Shatabdi has off-loaded the masses and gone off. I have missed it by 10 mins. I toy with the idea of hanging around for Abhishek to arrive. His Punjab Mail is still 25 mins away and the Taj is 10. Google Maps is taking me straight while a huge board tells me to take a left. I take a left. There are three fully grown adults running behind the car! I crack a window to hear only ‘sir’ and ‘Taj’. I have arrived at the Taj. Only the wrong bloody gate. The parking is at the Eastern Gate. Abhishek must have arrived by now. I can’t let my cockiness cost me the race. I arrive at the parking, almost managing to impale the car on a bump while pulling in to find myself surrounded by a tonga, a rickshaw and three men glaring ear to ear. They will get me a ticket to the Taj and tell me its history. I have Google Now. 2 mins later, I am sprinting down past the Oberoi to the Taj. I arrive at the Gate to find that I have run past the ticket booth. I head to another gate when I look at my watch. It’s 8.50, surely I have enough time to pack in a pancake. I park myself at a rooftop café and thram a banana honey pancake which is at best a cross between a roti and pancake. It’s 9.05. I leave my coffee untouched and run to the West gate, buy a Rs 20 gate ticket and arrive inside to find a huge crowd trying to take pictures of themselves. I decide to run past the crowd to the steps of the Taj to wait for Abhishek and gloat in the harsh Agra sun.

Train

8.43 am. Finally. Agra. Hope the Audi is scraping its nose everywhere. No calls from Kabeer means either he’s clicking selfies or hogging on food somewhere. Here’s my chance. Unfortunately, the traffic snarls have caught up with me. Adding to the misery is the autorickshaw driver. He’s gunning for every single pothole in sight. Who lets these idiots on the road anyway? 9.04 am. It’s taking too long. This lunatic has been driving around for more than 15 minutes with no sign of the Taj. Google Maps shows we’re on the right track. He’s now filling me up on the history of the city. Suddenly a motorcycle cuts across and there’s an exchange of choice words. Idiots. That cost me a full minute. I tell the dummy to hurry up. He says there’s a short cut. I take the risk. Narrow Agra streets full of cows, kids and shops. We get as close to Taj as vehicles are allowed. 700 mts to go. I find tourists already thronging the place. I think about darting through the swarm, but there’s still time. I get myself an entry ticket. Surely Kabeer is still on the road. Past the security check. I look around and there he is. Looking smug. Drat! I’ll never hear the end of this. I should have run that last bit.

The verdict: car wins!

The car has won, but my gloating has almost cost me the run. Abhishek has sworn that the next time we will race a train he wants an overnight run – like Delhi-Bombay. The train may still have a chance there.

Preparing for a race

• Do your research. Half of the races are lost because you think you can wing it.
• Think twice before you agree to a rule. If a rule doesn’t work for you, don’t agree to it. A race is full of hidden delays so there’s nothing wrong with loading the dice in your favour.
• Don’t drive the night before and pack in a good night’s worth of sleep. Sleep deprivation slows down the reflexes.
• Make an upbeat playlist. Driving on the highway would mean you will be getting in and out of radio connectivity. Plus many channels play only folk music which isn’t all that it’s made up to be.
• Avoid train food as much as possible.
• Carry a spare battery pack. Lifetron has a smashing 9000 mAh one, so does Xiaomi.
• Buy cool glasses for getting-there shots.

Want to race a train? Destinations from major cities

• Delhi to Rishikesh for river rafting – Distance: 225 km. Road: NH 58. Train: Dehradun Shatabdi. Expect lots of traffic till Ghaziabad and make sure you take bypasses at Meerut and Muzaffarnagar to avoid getting into city traffic. Overall road condition below par.
• Delhi to Jaipur for lal maas – Distance: 274 km. Road: NH 8. Train: Ajmer Shatabdi. Get out of Delhi early to avoid snarls near Gurgaon. Construction of flyovers in a lot of places means lots of diversions too. Be careful.
• Mumbai to Pune for beer – Distance: 148 km. Road: Mumbai Pune Expressway. Train: Deccan Queen. The expressway doesn’t have much traffic through the day and it’s easy to make up time, once past Panvel. Ghat section near Lonavala should be dealt with carefully.
• Mumbai to Goa for gambling – Distance: 600 km. Road: NH 4. Train: Marusagar Express. Get on to the Pune–Bengaluru stretch, after Pune, for the four lane stretch. High speeds are possible, though there are a lot of tolls which slow motorists down.
• Chennai to Puducherry for a holiday – Distance: 150 km. Road: East Coast Road. Train: Nellai Express. Getting out of Chennai can be a harrowing task, but the beautiful East Coast road makes it all worthwhile. It’s a snaking two lane road which requires lot of driver attention.
• Chennai to Bengaluru for steak and burgers – Distance: 330 km. Road: NH 4. Train: Bangalore Shatabdi. Road is being widened to six lanes so expect diversions on the way. Avoid driving here at night, the road is full of stubborn truck drivers who don’t give way.

From the October 2014 issue of FHM India.