The Final Countdown: 10 Things You Do Only On Valentine's Day

Pretend you don’t secretly support Sriram Sena

Your 100-buck donation paid the part fare of the lorry that carried around Sriram Sena supporters four years ago when they pulled out couples on Valentine’s Day dates and blackened their faces. When you are home, you wonder whether women should actually be wearing mini-skirts to malls in Noida or Chembur, though she doesn’t need to know all of this.

Pretend diamonds don’t cost anything

So what if you’d have to sell some blood to get her those earrings – they make her eyes pop. So what if diamonds have a lesser re-sale value than a 1983 Fiat and what if you’d rather buy a 1983 Fiat? A princess cut always wins. You can always pick up a third job, since you aren’t doing anything after work on Fridays and Saturdays.

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Pretend you can still fit into your suit

You split the zipper when you tried doing it up, there is no room in it for your wallet, you have to figure out what you will do with the massive keys to your SUV and the sudden aversion to wallets is not because your money clips are going through a revival, but because the minute you shove it in the backpocket you look like a cross between a penguin and someone who has managed to impale himself on a fire hydrant.

It’s your first Valentine’s day date

So what if by now you have a Valentine’s Day routine that the florist, the chocolatier and the disapproving maître d’ can write a book on? You are a born again V-day virgin – she just doesn’t need to know that does she? She’s the first girl you bought flowers for and drank Champagne with looking deeply into her eyes, while thinking about your ex’s underwear the whole time.

Drink Champagne

… rather than beer, or neat vodka or Patiala pegs of whisky. So what if the last time you drank Champagne you were found passed out in your parking lot with an XXL size shiny purple thong in your face and your moneymaker stuck half zipper. Champagne is the only thing that gives you a hangover and everytime you drink some the Jat stud muffin in you comes out for a walk. The pub you love gives you an unlimited bucket of beer for 899+taxes, but we don’t drink beer on Valentine’s Day.

Like the present

She knows wearing a properly buttoned, washed shirt at your workplace amounts to dressing up, but she still buys you a dull yellow tie with paisleys on it. It’ll bring out your eyes, she will tell you and look great with the suit you’re wearing. She’ll insist you try it on there – yeah because that’s exactly what you really need stuffed in a suit you can’t breathe in already– shut the only open button. If presents were being put to work right away, don’t you wish you had actually bought her a thong rather than earrings?

Forget the early morning flight

Despite years of distinguished service, your office refuses to book you on any flights after 5.45am. You have to be at the airport at 5, leave home at 4, book a cab, make the airline give you a printout of your ticket and check in; but she’s looking into your eyes and wondering whether you are going to compliment her on her new haircut. You aren’t – you just want to know why the hell is it 12.30am and the starters haven’t even arrived yet. Who takes 45 minutes to make a fish in lemon butter sauce? Worst part is that she will insist on sharing dessert after, so you might as well go to the airport directly smelling of stale Champagne and tiramisu – that’s what business empires are made of.

Pretend Valentine’s day doesn’t give you nausea

Valentine’s Day is the best thing to happen to men – buying candy, presents, flowers, dinner, first base and then home – this is the stuff you live for. Bull! You have hated V-Day since 11th grade, ever since the lesbian lover of the girl you handed a ‘You’re hot’ card with a pop-out red chili threatened to break your leg. Yeah, but she wants to share a tiramisu and tell her you love her. The only thing you want to do is to tell her to order her own dessert and hook up with the cute girl you saw eyeing you at 3’o clock.

Give her your jacket

If she knew she was going to be cold, why the hell didn’t she carry a stole or a jacket? It’s eight bloody degrees – sure you’ll give her your jacket, but a white shirt and a tie without a jacket looks like you are about to roll up your sleeves and start peddling medicines out of your bag. Also, your nipples can cut glass right now and that is something that doesn’t look good on a man – ever.

Pretend you like flowers

Pretend you remember which ones she likes – you are about 75 percent sure she likes lilies or was that the ex ex? What about roses? All women like them – so what if this one in particular is acutely allergic to them? Pretend you didn’t use the tricks you learnt from your last girlfriend in making a perfect bouquet – odd number of different flowers and then also pretend you don’t feel like an absolutely fabulous schmuck for having bargained the shit out of the flower seller and hate her just a little bit for leaving the flowers inside the car when you walk in for dinner. Also, why does every dirty rose cost 50 bucks?

From the February 2012 issue of FHM India.