The final countdown: 10 things your dad can do better than you
You might be old enough to vote, drink and die for your country, but your old man still has you beat at these.
10. Drive
Or so he thinks. You might be old enough to vote, drink and die for your country, but you’ll still be yelled at if you stay in fourth gear for more than 3.2 seconds. And don’t even think about taking a hand off the steering wheel…
09. Upset your mom
There she is – the unflappable woman you tried so, so hard to annoy as a child – reduced to a cauldron of rage because of seven innocent words: “You’re not wearing what you are, love?”
08. Hang things on walls
While you’d hang that print using just a rusty nail and the bottom of a wine bottle, your dad will insist on a full-scale operation that involves a digital tape measure, switching off the power, a special Hoover to catch all the dust and your mum bringing you both tea.
07. Haggle in shops
Only dads can confidently ask to “pay cash” for things and walk away with a whopping discount. Meanwhile, you try (loudly, drunkenly) haggling for a few rupees off in Shoppers Stop and get reported to the police. Come on, pops, what’s your secret?
06. Do a pub quiz
Before iPhones existed, dads developed a superpower known fondly as ‘useless general knowledge’. It’s the result of listening to radio and being the only remaining viewer of the TERI Environment quiz and Bournvita Quiz Contest.
05. Tan his bits
Only dads of a certain age can enjoy the unique phenomenon of having perfectly tanned genitals. While your pasty white bits suffer in silence, holidaying dads from around the world proudly display their brown balls by the pool. Both remarkable and grotesque.
04. Road rage
Hell hath no fury like a dad being cut up on the NH8. The trip to the local bar suddenly becomes an orgy of rage – complete with commendably creative swearing and a steady stream of spittle hitting the window. One day, that’ll be you.
03. Dish out advice
“You wanna get on the property ladder, son,” he says – unaware that they no longer give out mortgages free with Reader’s Digest magazine. Other life skills courses include how to “find a nice girlfriend”, “get a good job” and start acting your age”. He’s probably got a point with the last one.
02. Fall asleep
Whether it’s during the Arnab Goswami Christmas special or on the Zyclone at Essel World, dads can go from ‘wide awake’ to ‘industrial-strength snoring’ in 0.6 seconds.
01. Growing a beard
It took you three years to cultivate that bit of fluff on your chin, while your old man’s grown the impressive muttonchops of a Rajput bouncer.
From the February 2016 issue of FHM India.
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