The Final Countdown: The 10 Best Things In Life That Are Free
Sugar sachets, gallery wine, supermarket samples, complaint pizzas, office stationery, other people’s papers, gym showers, car-showroom coffee, pizza dips and coffee-shop magazines: the best freebies in life.
1. Sugar
The white stuff is friggin’ expensive to buy, but with a bit of clever thinking you can get its lovely sweetness for diddly squat. McDonald’s… Cafe Coffee Day… Costa Coffee… they’re all giving sugar away for free! YES, you might have to make one small one-off purchase first and YES there MIGHT be an altercation with that security guard, but, like we said, sugar is expensive, so it’s totally worth it.
2. Wine at galleries
We should really be celebrating the fact that our great galleries and magnificent museums are free for all because, generally, they are ace. But the real jackpot comes when you swindle your way into a fruity launch party. See how many bottles of wine you can quaff before the assembled guests realise that you’re not a lauded art collector, and that your moustache is indeed fake.
3. Samples
Not as in stool or urine samples (although they’re free too) but tiny tasters that get dished out in supermarkets and on busy streets. If you have a variety of disguises and false ’taches to hand and enough staying power, you can go round enough times to get practically a free lunch from that new fancy super market, or free promotional biscuits from Milano.
4. Stuff you complain about
It’s a sad state of affairs that complaining is a genuinely good way to get stuff without spending a single rupee. Many free boxes of pizzas have been dispatched after whining to head office that the Pineapple & Ham pizza was cold, had a piece of glass and arrived very late. As Domino’s used to say, “30 minutes or free!”
5. Stationery from work
Okay, we feel we should distinguish between helping yourself to the odd Parker and arranging to hire a van so you can liberate a couple of scanners and a vending machine. But we bloody love new and free stationery from the cupboard at work, it has a bizarre ability to bring excitement to an otherwise dull day – especially if it’s a really, really great pen.
6. Other people’s papers
Even if you have the same newspaper as the person next to you on the bus, it’s much more fun reading theirs over their shoulder – especially if they keep trying to hide it from you. On a 30-minute journey you can easily soak up a few pages of someone else’s book, a couple of private texts and a confidential report on the arms trade.
7. Gym showers
If you’re not fussy about fungal foot infections, the free shower cubicle at any gym is a Mecca for tightwads. It more than makes up for the low water bill you will get in June, turn your shampoo and soap into nothing and mean that you never have to hang out a towel to dry.
8. Car showroom coffee
No one wants to start June by having to wipe their bum with half-heartedly published magazines, so a few luxuries have to be sacrificed. That Rs 80 you spend on a morning coffee would be better spent on budget toilet paper, so it’s “so long, Costa Coffee!”. But wait, by feigning interest in a new car every morning, you get to take advantage of the Nescafe machine in the waiting area of a posh car showroom. Of course, you can’t drive and you have a crippling credit rating, but you’ll be too off your tits on complimentary caffeine to care about hurting anyone’s feelings!
9. Dips that come with takeaway pizzas
The best thing about getting a Domino’s on a hot, hot June night isn’t the pizza itself, it’s the complimentary garlic and herb dip. It literally goes with anything. Making salad for your girlfriend? Garlic and herb dip. No butter left for your toast? Garlic and herb dip. Wafer dressing? Garlic and herb dip! Tell the nice pizzaman you’ve got a rare strain of diabetes and you need loads so you don’t die, and you can stock up for months.
10. Magazines in coffee shops
The magazine section in any Crossword or Landmark or coffee shop is generally busier than a Japanese swimming pool (they are very busy, Google it), but is anyone going to make a purchase? Obviously there are exceptions… like, if you’re reading THIS article in a book store, in which case we insist you buy this magazine immediately, or else we’ll tell everyone that you’re a big, old, cheapskate loser.
Picture: Mark Antony David.
From the June 2012 issue of FHM India.
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