The Great Trivial Flight Battles: Reclining Seats, Armrests And Overhead Lockers

“Eat shit and die”, the woman yelled at the passenger in the next row.

Such was the exchange of words between the two passengers, a standoff ensued until, at the request of one of the warring passengers, the plane was diverted. The fight was caused by a reclining chair. It was the third time in nine days that such a trivial incident led a pilot to be forced to land the plane for an unplanned stop. One flight had to be grounded after one of the passengers threw a glass of water at another passenger, during another heated argument over a reclining seat.

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The Reclining Chair Riot

Whether it’s a long haul or a short domestic trip, flight etiquettes always bring up the same old problems of comfort. Conditions are nearly always cramped. The temperature is either steaming hot or Baltic cold. The air often smells stale and recycled. What is probably most irritating on a flight is the reclining chair. Whilst you are enjoying watching your favourite movie on the microscopic screen on the chair in front, suddenly a dark shadow descends over the screen. The dreaded reclining process often happens so fast you can barely react. Then you have a choice, kick up a massive fuss or put up with it and simply give the person in front, hateful looks for the rest of the flight.

I have never seen the appeal of reclining your seat and grabbing a few hours of sleep. Sure, sleeping upright is not ideal but a reclined seat is hardly going to resemble your soft mattress and comfy white duvet from home. The hard, cold plastic seating and extra itchy blanket, which looks suspiciously like it has been frequently used before, only add to the discomfort. Don’t get me started on the texture of the flight pillow.

The overhead storage fight

Easily one of the manliest moments on a flight, dominating the overhead storage lockers is a rite of passage for all men. It is always a great opportunity to flex your biceps by heaving all four suitcases belonging to the attractive lady in the row behind, above your head and into the lockers. Pause midway with the suitcase held high in the air and confidently check whereabouts she would like you to place her oversized baggage. Once finished, coolly slam the locker shut and act like it was the easiest weight session in the world.

But like stags fighting for a mate, the overhead storage lockers often descend into the scene of a fierce battle. Spreading your bags out into as many lockers as possible is a sign of strength. However, with conquest come clashes. Like the reclining chair, overstepping the mark usually leads to tempers fraying. It’s not unusual for luggage to be hurled out in a fit of rage and flight attendants having to intervene before one passenger uses a broken ukulele as an offensive weapon.

Armrest Armageddon

The middle armrest is also a problematic issue. It’s the “no man’s land” of all flight chairs. If you decide to quickly occupy it, expect some form of resistance from your neighbour. Arm nudges and shoves can easily escalate into full bloodied punch ups.

Some sensible people choose the diplomatic solution of “disarmament”, simply lifting up the armrest. Neither side can use it whilst it is tucked up between the two seats. There are no winners in this scenario except the relieved looking cabin crew, who are anxiously hoping you won’t come to blows with the other passenger. This withdrawal process leaves egos bruised and arms continue to ache. The only satisfaction is in knowing that your new rival also misses out on the armrest as well.

The Window Seat Trap

Securing the window seat is often a dream scenario. You get to gaze out for hours whilst your fellow passengers crane their necks to see what you are gasping about. However, such a position comes at a price on serious long haul flights. After draining the drinks trolley and polishing off the flight meal, the downside of your seat becomes worryingly apparent. Now you know you shouldn’t have had that last lemonade.

The passengers next in line to you are fast asleep. Their bodies form like a sleeping barrier of limbs, obstructing you from dashing to the toilet. The flight assistance button is out of reach and the plane is eerily quiet. It’s just you and your beloved portal window, and even that has lost its appeal. You are trapped and know you only have a couple of options. Incur the wrath of your sleeping neighbours by attempting to crash over them. A heated argument or worse, an actual fight, is not sensible with a full bladder. The only real option is to attempt to fall asleep and hold on for dear life. Cue some of the longest, most uncomfortable hours of your life.

The aisle of trailing legs

Lit up like a mini landing strip, the carpeted aisle is always congested. Flight attendants pushing the half broken trolley, small children playing and crawling on the ground and then there are the legs. Sticking out at angles, some passengers, usually male, insist on stretching out their long, gangly limbs into the aisle seat. They protrude like the roots of a tree. They show no interest in moving and blissfully unaware of the difficulty faced by many passengers, whose dash to the toilet is the equivalent of completing a fiendish obstacle course.

Our tip: To avoid falling into the window seat trap, block your seats beforehand with the facility of web check-in.

From the October 2014 issue of FHM India.