Will My Balls Leak Over Twitter? Experts On Sexting Safely
If you’re not taking nudie pics and handing them to complete strangers, you’re late to the biggest trend of 2014. A crack panel of experts solves the biggest cyber-sex embarrassments we all face.
Judging by the planet’s browser history last month, everyone’s at it. From A-list FHM 100 Sexiest fillers like Jennifer Lawrence (who managed to break the whole of New Zealand’s internet after a surge of nude-hungry web browsers opened fake virus-infected links promising the naked shots) and model Kate Upton, to retired British cricket legend Sir Ian Botham (who managed to break our eyeballs with a close-up of his trouser bat and balls on Twitter) it seems nobody is safe from having their personal naked pictures hacked, leaked, and sprawled all over the web.
For them, what started out as harmless, safe sexting very quickly turned into one of the most talked about news stories of the year, smattered across the web and newspapers around the world. But should the threat of the Earth’s population seeing your naughty bits turn you off the idea of getting intimate on your iPhone, or tugging on the web? Hell no, we say. After all, there is a handful of totally innocent reasons to do it, from saving long-distance relationships to keeping sex from going stale.
To put your (dirty) mind at ease, we recruited a crack panel of experts to solve the biggest embarrassment cyber sex mines we all face when getting naked online…
Dear Lord! I’m paranoid the government are spying on me!
If you’re sure the government is secretly sniggering over your sexts, it’s time to chill…
Lawyer Ian Penman, newmedialaw.biz, says:
“Article 8 of the Human Rights Act protects an individual’s right to a private life without unlawful state surveillance and respect for private and confidential information. For the government to be spying on a private intimate conversation would be highly illegal.”
TV sexpert Tracey Cox says:
“Never mind spying: it’s a huge betrayal of trust to show anything that’s intended for your eyes only to other people. It might seem like a bit of a laugh – or a boast of how hot she is – to you, but she’ll see it as total disrespect. If she doesn’t dump you immediately she’ll certainly never trust you enough to do anything sexy like that again. Is that really what you want?”
Cripes! My balls are trending on Twitter!
One minute you’re squatting over your camera lens, the next your dangling balls are on the front page of The Daily Mail…
Lawyer Ian Penman, newmedialaw.biz, says:
“If you’ve released the picture, you can’t sue for anything like defamation as the truth can’t defame anyone. But if it’s a photo you’ve taken, you could claim the copyright. That said, if what’s got out there could be judged to ‘deprave and corrupt’, you could be in trouble for creating an obscene image under the Obscene Publications Act.”
Oh man! My penis looks disgusting in my sexts!
Us men aren’t exactly blessed with oil paintings in our pants, so what the hell should we do to look our best?
Rebecca Holman, deputy editor of thedebrief.co.uk says:
“Stick to the MySpace rule and ensure the camera is several inches above you.”
FHM health expert Dr Christian Jessen says:
“Persuading people their penises are fine is a large part of my job. They worry about size and performance, but porn has a lot to do with that. It’s a distorted sense of reality that porn can affect.”
TV sexpert Tracey Cox says:
“A lot of women will get a lot more out of a nice picture of your bum or the V-shaped muscles at the bottom of your torso, just above your pubic region.”
Wah! She’s asked me to get ‘a bit freaky’!
There’s another way to spice things up over your webcam, and thankfully it doesn’t involve whips, chains, or root vegetables…
TV sexpert Tracey Cox says:
“If this is because you’re having trouble keeping things exciting, there’s no need to get weird. Send physical objects in the post – a sexy book, sexy underwear for her to wear, or something of yours that you’ve worn.”
Help! She wants me to talk dirty on Skype!
You’re always one ‘Call Me Daddy’ away from being cyber dumped…
Rebecca Holman, deputy editor of thedebrief.co.uk says:
“Don’t put on a stupid accent, a ‘sexy’ rasp or make animal noises – that includes growling. Similarly, don’t talk in your normal conversational voice – there’s a middle ground here.”
TV sexpert Tracey Cox says:
“Talking dirty can feel a lot easier without eye contact, so it might be worth starting off just on the phone. Or send it to her as a voice memo on WhatsApp. Then she’s got it when she wants it, and that’s a really nice thing for her to have when she’s masturbating.”
Fuck! Different time zones means she’s only free when I’m at work!
If the love of your life is worth being caught naked and alone in the stationery cupboard for, then read on…
TV sexpert Tracey Cox says:
“Mid-afternoon tends to be a time when a lot of people feel very horny, but if there’s a time difference involved, you’ll need to get clever. Women respond very well to the written word, and it’s much easier to get away with sending intimate emails than whispering down your work phone.”
Illustrations: Glen Brogan. Interviews: Mike Rampton.
From the November 2014 issue of FHM India.
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