Cult Sirens: The Hottest Bond Girls of All Time
Here’s our pick of the five girls who we think were most worthy of the Golden Gun.
Of course our list of Bond’s conquests doesn’t come without its share of moral dilemma. Bond was our all time favourite hero. Would swooning over his girls so soon after the plug was pulled on him be against the ‘Bros before hoes’ rule? Naah. He would have liked it this way. So, we pulled a quick poll at work and the hardworking souls that we are, launched a search for the Ultimate Totty. For decades a slew of hotties had shifted seamlessly from damsels in distress to dagger wielding divas to murderous vixens with hidden weapons (there were guns and knives too) so, it wouldn’t be easy. They had one thing in common though – the Spy who loved them all. Whether they were emerging from the ocean (Dr No) or exited sprawled on a bed and painted in gold (Goldfinger), or covered in motor oil (Quantum of Solace) for half a century they were the ultimate fantasy. Here’s our pick of the five girls who we think were most worthy of the Golden Gun.
The question of course would be whether MGM has pulled the ultimate KLPD (Hindi acronym for Hard on Denied Action)? Without making an Indian chick the Bond girl? Pardon me sire – wasn’t there some talk of Madame Rai being one? There were other names that were tossed up in the air of course – hell, at times it seemed like a swayamwar – everyone wanted to be a Bond girl. Nonetheless... Now presenting
Honey Ryder
We can tell you about the original novel, and we will later. But Ursula Andress emerging from the sea in a white bikini still makes us say ohohohoho and it’s spawned more versions than the population of small nations. The name of course was a tribute to the power she wielded in the sac – the original girl on top. Now for the part that will make you say – oh crap. The original novel had Honeychile emerging naked from the waves.
But who cares, did you see Ursula Andress in her white bikini emerging from the ocean swinging shells? It’s made subsequent generations of men and women weep for very different reasons. She’s often enough been voted the best Bond girl of all time. The innocent, curvy island girl with the hunting knife shows her deadly side by rescuing Bond from Dr No’s high powered patrol boat and armed guards and dogs. There’s of course the sob story she peddles to Bond- about how at the age of 15, she killed her rapist by putting a black widow spider in his mosquito net and stood there watching him die. Once captured by Dr No, she and Bond are stripped down (wink wink), put through an anti-radiation bath before Dr No orders his guards to take her away for “their amusement”. The guard’s amusement of course is cut short by Double O. The trust Mr Bond rescues her from a sluice gate chamber just before it floods. As they are making a quit getaway from a watery grave that would have never really been theirs (Bond is indestructible), rather thoughtfully the boat runs out of fuel in the middle of the sea. Seeing this as a sign, Mister Bond and Madame Ryder proceed to test their sea legs. Our second most favourite romp in the world after the romp in the woods.
Pussy Galore
Eh heh. Heh. Ok truth be told – she’s as much here for what she looks like as she is for the name. Oh, that and of course she was a practicing lesbian when she met him. The filmmakers though intended to call the character Kitty – but the Brit press was already calling her Pussy. Thankfully good sense prevailed.
The movie of course makes several detours from Fleming’s depiction. Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore heads Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus, a group of professional women aviators in connection with Goldfinger’s “Operation: Grand Slam”. While in the novel, she is a raven-haired lesbian, in the movie she is blonde and her sexuality is a little more ambiguous perhaps hinting that she bats for both teams. After she is seduced by Bond, she has a change of affiliation and foils Goldfinger’s evil plan of spraying nerve gas over Fort Knox. She is then forced by Gold-finger to commandeer Air Force 1 that is carrying Bond to the White House. Naturally, Bond saves the day, sends Goldfinger into orbit and saves Pussy from a plane crash. Once they land safely, hitting the ground in a parachute, they proceed to give going undercover a whole new meaning (a much better one).
Plenty O’Toole
The only Bond girl on the list who’s real life last name is as innuendo laden as her reel life one. We love Lana Wood. True she played a brief but memorable role in the movie, but she could match any of the Bond girls bosom to bosom. Plenty runs into Bond at a Vegas Casino where she just happens to overhear our flamboyant spy place a bet for $10,000. What too little you say? It was 1971! Jeez!
Anyway being the thorough spy with the roving eye that he is Bond takes ample note of her assets. The fact, that she is bending over a table with chips of course helps. Plenty combines three of our major loves – a name that makes us snigger, gambling and dude… did you see the picture!
Anyway one thing leads to another. Since most another things in Bond flicks end up either in underwater graves with pet man-eater sharks or in a hotel room- this one seems headed for a satin sheet climax. Till the bad guy – Blofeld’s men rudely barge in. The heartless rascals that they are – they eject a topless Plenty from the hotel window; in true Hindi film style Plenty lands in a swimming pool and is saved, but not for long. The poor girl does meet a watery end, that too in a swimming pool when Bloefeld’s gay assassins tie her feet to a massive bath plug.
Her Bond: Sean Connery
Movie: Diamonds are Forever
Camille Montes
So? She doesn’t have an innuendo laden name…So what? If you look like that we don’t care what her name is. In real life as well as reel. But this was one gal who didn’t get into the sack with James Bond – in fact she was the only Bond Girl ever to not be tempted; and was all set to be the only Bond girl to ever make a comeback in Bond 23 till those MGM guys did their thing. Bond too is seeking to avenge the slaying of his girl from Casino Royale (he does manage to bed another girl in Quantum of Solace – she is later found murdered and covered in motor oil – and that’s why we love the bugger). Anyway, Montes was one of 007’s more tragic heroines, out to get revenge on General Medrano who killed her father and raped and murdered her mother and sister. She first assumes that Bond is an associate of Dominic Greene, a bad guy.
Later of course, good sense prevails as he helps her exact revenge on Medrano and leaves Bond at the railway station telling him; “I wish I could set you free. But your prison is in there”. Bring her back we say, and do it NOW!
Her Bond: Daniel Craig
Movie: Quantum of Solace
Wai Lin
There’s one chic on the list who matches Bond up punch for punch, kick for kick and looks oooh so good while doing it. Michelle Yeoh is Colonel Wai Lin, a Martial Arts expert (that she did her own stunt has us drooling on the keyboard).
Anyway, Bond sees her at a party he’s attending, Wai Lin looks every bit the sexy gate-crasher that she is. In true super spy style, they do the tango and are convinced they both have been hired to bring the other’s head on a platter. Now, it’s hardly rocket science that neither one trusts the other – they are spies after all. But then things change, there’s a fully dressed yet saucy shower and then it so happens that the two end up getting handcuffed together. Convenient.
Bond makes advances that are repeatedly rebuffed, which further heats up matters. But it’s only after excessive foreplay that includes beating up the bad guys and blowing up a battle ship that things finally reach a head. True Michelle Yeoh might not suit your idea of a typical Bond Girl, but damn that girl is hot. There’s even a high speed chase on a motorcycle.
We love Wai Lin because she portrays the 90s Bond girls to a ‘T’ – she needs no looking after and that more than makes up for her not wearing a bikini in the movie.
From the August 2010 issue of FHM India.
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