Let’s Get Comfortable: How To Make The Most Of Long Winter Nights
The nights are getting longer and colder, so pull the curtains shut, light a fire and pile on the duvets (and calories) to make the most of being indoors.
Make someone comfy
Rosanna Cotticelli, senior spa therapist at The Peak Health Club & Spa, tells you how to become the don of all massages…
Firstly, you don’t need to waste money on expensive oils, so use something like grapeseed oil. Warm it a little in the microwave, but you don’t want it hot.
Use your thumbs on the neck and scalp. Apply a fair amount of pressure, then add your fingers followed by your hands – always in circular movements – starting small and getting bigger.
These days, people work on computers so everyone has a bad posture. To ease that kind of stress, concentrate on the head, scalp, neck and shoulders.
When you get to the lower back, press with your thumbs using a lot of pressure. This should feel great. Everyone appreciates an arm and hand massage, too. Some of those muscles get tight easily.
You don’t always have to apply pressure with your hands. Try using your forearms on the shoulders, and lean in with your whole bodyweight. You can also use your elbows, but always be careful not to press too hard.
“I was snowed into a pub”
Joe Bell, 24, was trapped for nine days in a pub on the Yorkshire Moors during the winter of 2010. Terrible, huh?!
Of all the places to get snowed in, a pub is surely the best. And there’s no pub better for that than The Lion Inn at Blakey Ridge in North Yorkshire.
“Having grown up on the Yorkshire Moors, I’m more than used to a bit of snow. But what fell during the winter of 2010 was like nothing I’d ever seen. “It was 26 November when the blizzard hit. I’d begun my evening shift at The Lion as usual, alongside fellow barman, Rob, waitress Katie, and chefs Danny, and Stuart. Our only guests that evening were a friendly couple in their forties. “At about 11pm, Danny and I stepped outside to check the weather – we knew we weren’t going anywhere soon; we’d just have to make the most of it. So, for the next week and a bit, we worked by day – making sure our two guests were fed and watered – and by night, we lived like kings. I’ve never eaten so well as I did that week. Nor have I been so drunk.”
“Every night became a party. We drank, laughed, watched films and played Monopoly before going to bed in one of the 14 guestrooms.
“On the seventh day the snow plough arrived but I must say, for those nine days, I have never been quite so comfortable.”
Watch that film again
Empire magazine film genius Chris Hewitt on the film he can watch again and again and again and again…
“I must have been 19 when I first saw The Shawshank Redemption. I watched it at home, alone in my bedroom, and I loved it so much, I immediately raced downstairs afterwards and made my parents watch it. At univ, I showed it to a girl I was seeing, in a weird approximation of Quentin Tarantino’s Rio Bravo test (he shows Rio Bravo to every girl he dates; if they don’t like it, he dumps them).
“I was blown away by this movie’s warmth, its compassion and its ability to find light and hope in the darkest moments. And it gets very dark – suicide, rape, emotional destitution – yet Shawshank is a beautiful film that makes you fall in love with it a little more each time you watch it. It’s the greatest movie about male friendship that’s ever been.
“Most comforting scene: the ending (spoiler!), where Morgan Freeman is finally released from prison after decades and meets Tim Robbins at the Mexican paradise of Zihuatanejo. As he ambles along the beach and the pair embrace, Thomas Newman’s score tinkles then soars triumphantly, and the camera pans up as if God himself was pleased with the outcome. It’s more than just a thing of beauty; it’s a thing of perfection.”
Understand the science of comfort
When you think about it, what the hell is comfort anyway? Chartered psychologist Mark Millard explains…
“Comfort is marked by the absence of strong emotions, positive or negative. It creates pervasive feelings of calm contentment about the past, present and future.
“It is usually a fairly fleeting state as the delicate equilibrium is easily upset. The brain’s emotional processing ‘hub’ is called the amygdala and it gets all your sensory information first. It is constantly scanning for potential threats and dangers which it immediately alerts you to by producing a range of deliberately discomforting sensations like fear, anger and anxiety.
“To restore your sense of comfort, you can try and engage in activities which use the brain’s natural neurochemistry. Activities that ‘thrill’ or ‘chill’ are effective.
“Exciting or energetic activities like sports produce endogenous opioids and dopamine. These increase neurotransmission in the pleasure pathways and decrease neurotransmission in the pain pathways, displacing discomfort with feelings of mild euphoria.
“Calming activities like diaphragmatic breathing, visualisation and meditation produce a distinctive relaxation response which lowers your heart rate and oxygen consumption. This increases alpha waves in your brain, displacing discomfort with a light trance and feelings of well-being.”
Overload on cheese on toast
Choco cheese deluxe
Melt some butter in a pan and chuck in four slices of bread. Take them out after a couple of minutes and put them on a board, toasted side up. On two of the slices, lay a bit of Brie (cheddar just won’t taste right) and spread the other two slices with Nutella. Close the sandwich and stick it back in a pan with some more butter until golden brown.
Baked egg-splosion
Get a teaspoon and squash the centre of a slice of bread down to create an egg-sized depression. Then, crack an egg and pour the contents into it, being careful not to break the yolk. Spread butter around the edge of the slice and sprinkle grated cheese on top of it. Stick it on a skillet and grill it on a low heat for 10 minutes.
Spaghetti hoopy hoops
You can’t beat the goopy charm of those little spaghetti zeroes combined with the chewy tang of melted cheese. Heat the hoops in a pan for a bit and then pour them over two slices of bread that have already been in the grill for a while. Then place slices of cheese (not grated) over the top like wallpaper. Stick it back under the grill for a bit. A splash of Worcester Sauce won’t go amiss either.
Tomato soup cheese nirvana
The soup is in the sandwich! Mix up a few big dollops of tomato purée with cream cheese and add a bit of sugar and pepper (trust us, it tastes like soup). Pop a few slices of bread on a grill, butter side down, and cover half of them with cheese, half of them with your tomato stuff. Once the cheese has melted a bit, slap the two sides together and turn it over a few times.
How to cook up an Irish stew like a boss
Ingredients
- 1kg of beef cut into big chunks and coated with seasoned flour
- 3 large carrots chopped into big chunks
- A couple of root vegetables: butternut squash, turnip, parsnip, potatoes
- Couple of sticks of celery, chopped
- Big lump of butter
- Bay, rosemary and parsley
- 300ml beef stock
- 1 can of Guinness
- Lots of salt and pepper
Brown the onions, sage (and any other herbs), then add the meat and brown it. Add the beef stock and the Guinness. Bring to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer for two hours. Chuck in all the vegetables, season heavily and simmer for another hour or so. Serve with whatever you fancy; lots of good bread should do it.
Brazilian feijoada
Imagine the traditional stew, but where the key ingredient is black beans. OK, so maybe that sounds a bit odd. But consider this – rather than just tender bits of beef, the meat part of the dish includes all kinds of smokey goodness. Beef jerky, ham hock, chorizo… we should really get DJ BBQ to knock up one of these.
Ghanaian groundnut
The headline stew news in West Africa: they use peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter. Essentially, the recipe is the same as ours but with the addition of three things: 1. Tomatoes. 2. Lots of cayenne pepper. 3. The best part of a jar of peanut butter.
Swedish kalops
In Sweden, the winters get so dark and cold, it’s no wonder they need a stew that acts as part comforting hug, part kick up the arse. Their recipe is extremely similar to the warm, cuddly stew we’re used to, but they ramp it up a notch with some serious flavours: whole peppercorns, strong all spice and pickled beets on the side.
Learn from the pros
Three top chefs tell us their all-time favourite comfort foods
Austin Latimer, executive chef at The Diner, and his corned beef hash
“In America, this is what they make when they want a plate of food to give them a cuddle. Fry diced potatoes (skin on) with onions, add diced salt beef brisket (slow-cooked and prepared in advance), season, and put in a heavy-bottomed grill pan. Finish with two fried eggs on top. To make it even simpler, albeit slightly less tasty, replace the salt beef brisket with packet corned beef.”
Simon Rimmer, Channel 4’s Sunday Brunch chef, and his peanut butter Cubano sandwich
“If you’re after comfort food that requires little work, here’s a simple winner: my pastrami, cheese, pickle, chilli and peanut butter toastie. Imagine the best ham and cheese toastie ever. Now add chilli, pickles and the ingredient that makes any lazy man’s meal better: peanut butter. Perfect, right?”
Russell Norman, founder of Spuntino, and his mac and cheese
“Cook your macaroni al dente and soak it in milk, double cream, mozzarella and Parmesan for two hours. Strain and mix with braised leeks, grated fontina and Dijon mustard. Add some of the strained liquid back in for a gloopy consistency. Top with breadcrumbs and bake for 15-20 minutes until golden brown on top and bubbling.”
Learn to love yourself
Model Emma Glover on how to touch yourself like a lady…
Press pause
“Because you guys tend to rush through it, you often don’t realise the benefit of stopping and starting. If you work your way right up to the edge of climax, then stop for a minute, then get right up to edge again and stop for a minute, when you finally reach the peak, the sensation will be even more extreme.”
Sex up your surroundings
“Alright, so this might sound overly girly, but it’s the truth. Girls are turned on by mood lighting and even scented candles, so put a bit of effort into setting a scene in which you feel totally relaxed. And there is a reason girls lock the door when they’re in the bath.”
Stop the clock
“The key mistake you guys make is treating it like a race; the only person in the race is you! Make sure you’re somewhere you won’t be disturbed, let your mind drift and just don’t rush. It makes it so much better.”
Lube-a-looza
“Lube up! You probably don’t need to use lube in the same way as a girl might, but it makes everything more enjoyable. Even if you’re in the bath, try moisturising your damp skin with oil – you’ll really notice the difference.”
Don’t take it for granted
Lauchlan Campbell, 64, was locked up in China’s largest prison in 1991 for trying to smuggle cannabis into Japan.
“I became a smuggler sometime during the 1980s. Starting with electrical goods from Hong Kong, I moved into gold, then hashish. I could buy a kilo from Nepal for $100 and sell it in Japan for $10,000. I was good. I was even able to buy myself a home in Boracay in the Philippines where I opened a scuba diving school called Jock’s Rock. That was the good life.
“It all collapsed on 4 August 1991 when I was caught carrying £100,000-worth of cannabis on a train through China. I was sentenced to 15 years in Shanghai’s notorious Tilanqiao prison. With 5,000 inmates, it was China’s biggest prison. The cells were 8ft by 4ft, had a wooden bucket in the corner to piss and shit in, and there were no windows. There was a mangy futon on the floor to sleep on – if you could sleep through the squeaking and scurrying of rats, which infested the jail. Prison uniforms were made from an itchy, grey synthetic material with a blue and white strip down the side. Our only other item of clothing was a name card pinned to the jacket. But it had no name on it, just a number. For the next 12 years, I was known only as 13499.
“That was luxury compared to what I was about to endure. One morning, I was called into the office to collect my post, when the guard began insulting my brother, TC Campbell, who had recently been jailed in Scotland for a crime he didn’t commit. In a moment of rage, I told the guard in Mandarin to go stick his communism up his arse. He was furious, and sent me straight to the punishment cell for 10 days.
“It was worse than I could’ve imagined. I was stripped naked and handed dirty clothes and a foul-smelling blanket before being shoved into the cell. There was a hole in the corner for a toilet and no water source. The stench of rotting excrement poisoned every particle of air– exacerbated tenfold by the stifling summer heat. I didn’t even have a bed, just the concrete floor.
“On the first morning, I was handcuffed to a bar attached to the ceiling, meaning I had to stand in agony on my tiptoes, the iron cuff digging deep into my wrist.
“The guard finally uncuffed me at 8pm to let me sleep. But I couldn’t; the buzz of mosquitos drowned everything else out, except the screams of inmates being tortured with cattle prods in nearby cells. Lying there on the cold concrete, I thought of my mam, my kids and the home I’d left behind. The feeling of isolation was gut-wrenching.
“I was woken at 6am with more than 100 bites all over my body. As I was unable to wash, they soon became sores, infected and painful. That day’s punishment was to alternate sitting for an hour then standing for an hour until evening. They punished me in this way for 10 days, breaking my spirit one piece at a time. Finally, I was released back into ‘normal’ prison conditions.
“The feeling was indescribable. Oh, to be able to talk to someone again, to be able to wash my arse and spit out all that thickness on my tongue. I could have a cup of coffee and eat fruit and lie on my futon without being spied on all night by guards. Just something so mundane as shaving at the tap made me feel human once more.
“I was released from Tilanqiao on 5 December 2003. I’ll never forget how the Shanghai airport smelt – a faint mixture of carpet cleaner, fast food and aeroplane exhaust. It was a smell I knew; one I had smelled so many times before. To me, it was the smell of freedom.
“Having my comforts snatched away from me in such extreme fashion gave me a new appreciation of what comfort means. It is about the simple things we take for granted. To have a place to call home, a warm water, a nice bed, a toilet. That’s comfort – a state of mind. And I’d do nothing to jeopardise it again.”
Have sex all night (or at least half of it)
Sex expert Tracey Cox tells us how to make the most of those long, dark nights…
Despite what you may have heard, if you want to last longer, don’t distract yourself. Instead, focus intently on what you’re feeling. The better you recognise your orgasm triggers – signs that tell you how close you are – the better you’ll be at knowing exactly how close you are to ejaculating at any point.
“Most guys know what it feels like just before they orgasm: the point of no return. Focus on the moment before this. The sensation you feel before you’re on the home run. Once you reach that moment, you’ll be able to let yourself get aroused to this point without tipping over the edge.”
Marvel at the wonder that is the Guinness float
A few scoops of vanilla ice cream transforms a pint of the black stuff into a chalice of sweet, creamy decadence. If you want to really put the alco-charged power-cat among the pigeons, add a generous slug of Tia Maria. A drink that also packs a woolly-mittened punch.
Six signs you’ve taken comfort too far
Trampy fashion sense
When you do leave the house, you leave it looking like a homeless sex-case, dressed entirely in whatever items of clothing were within reach from the sofa. And if that means shuffling down the street in pink flip-flops, a faded Little Britain t-shirt and a rat-coloured dressing gown, so be it.
Noxious haze
You have filled up your living room with the deathly fug of your own hibernation farts. There’s something satisfying about surrounding yourself with a revolting death-cloud of your own making: it’s just about the most revoltingly antisocial thing you can do, but if there’s nobody around to moan, have at it, good sir. Have at it.
Lethargic loving
Your sexy moves are all half-speed. Leave the high-octane, sweat-pumping, limb-twisting Kama Sutra shit until springtime; winter is all about half-arsedly kicking the foil takeaway boxes off the sofa and distractedly rutting while still both following (and occasionally chuckling at) Modern Family on in the background.
Strict door policy
Only friends you’ve known for a long time are allowed into your abode. You don’t want to put any effort whatsoever into impressing visitors, as that’ll totally knacker the comfortingly zombified vibe you’ve created for yourself. Basically, if they want you to turn the telly off, talk to them or put some trousers on, then they’re not a real friend and they can fuck off till March.
Jungle climate
You’ve cranked the central heating up so high you feel dizzy. Turning your living room into a sweltering sauna has helped induce a deep, debauched laziness and all the woozy fun of mild heatstroke. Yes, your energy bill will be massive, but that won’t come for ages. Aaaages!
Yards of lard
You’re cramming carbs, sugars and saturated fats down your gullet with the fuck-it abandon of a death-row prisoner eating their last meal. You’ve been hitting the gym and eating protein-heavy all summer, but now it’s time to slip into some elasticated trousers and order a 20in Cheeseophile Meatpocalypse pizza with custard-filled crust.
Go to the max with cake in a mug
Alright, this shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to make and cook. Crush up a digestive or two in a bowl and add a tablespoon of butter. Microwave for 10 seconds to melt, stir, and then squash it into the bottom of a nice mug. In a separate bowl, microwave three more tablespoons of butter for 10 seconds to melt. Add an egg, a splash of milk and whisk it until it’s combined. Add a bit of cocoa powder, four tablespoons of flour, four tablespoons of sugar and stir it all up with a fork. Then pour the chocolate mixture over the biscuit base in the mug, top with marshmallows and stick it under a grill for a minute on high heat.
Accept romcoms into your heart
Writer Sam Delaney on his undying love for the soppier end of the comedy film spectrum
“My grandma used to say, ‘There’s no sense lying around in bed, you’ll only start thinking. And what good did that ever do anyone?’ She was, of course, correct. Thinking is a mug’s game, and thoughts are for idiots. There is no state of physical relaxation, however soothing and luxurious, that can’t be ruined by thoughts.
“So to be truly comfortable, a man must learn to combat thoughts and wash his mind completely clean of pointless contemplation. I like to do this by watching romantic comedies. They focus my attention on hilarious inter-gender misunderstandings and stop my brain from worrying about my VAT return, the unpaid parking ticket that’s eight months overdue or the strange lump on my neck. After a stressful day at work, I like to lie on my bed in decade-old, abundantly stained tracksuit bottoms, drinking tea and watching Music And Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
“The meaningless plots, the bland, unchallenging humour, the soft, ageless features of Paul Rudd: it all combines to wash my mind of worry and incubate me in a semi-lobotomised state of pure comfort. Does my love of romcoms make me any less of a man? No. If anything, it makes me more of one. Using films starring Meg Ryan, I have overpowered man’s fiercest enemy of all: his own brain.”
A sherpa’s thoughts on comfort
Sherpa Tshering has been trekking across the brutal Himalayan mountains for decades.
In my opinion, there are three types of comfort: physical, mental and spiritual. Physical comfort can be achieved with money. But mental and spiritual comfort are more important. They can be neither bought nor sold. To sherpas like me, the mountain itself is comfort. Being away from mountains makes us homesick. The most comforting sound to me is the sound of the brooks that flow down the Himalayas. It sounds like tranquility. I also love the smell of snow. I feel oneness with nature and this is the greatest experience. When I’m in the Everest Region, my comfort food is a kind of solid porridge prepared using buckwheat flour or millet flour. It tastes excellent if you have it with soup made from dry mountain goat meat, or yak, seasoned with herbs. One can never be satisfied with the physical comfort. We always seek more. Mental and spiritual comfort gives us never ending satisfaction.
Tshering has organised Everest treks for more than 30 years.
From the November 2014 issue of FHM India.
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