Survival guide: the party survival tips guide

And so it begins: the season to be trolleyed. January basically mean a lot of pissed-up gatherings, every one of them a potentially deadly minefield of inadvisable snogs and smashed mobile phones. Allow us to safely guide you through these perilous festivities.

The day after New Year

• It will be: Sluggish.
• In attendance: Any mates who’ve managed to wriggle free of the fiendish clutches to needy families.
• You will need: To share space of an hour, like a Vietnam vet who’s seen some things you just can’t un-seen, man.
• You will encounter: A Herculean level of boozing. Your alcohol tolerance is at its peak.
• Chances of sex: Pretty good, although you will be handicapped by turkey-gut and brandy-brain.
• The time to leave: It’s basically national lock-in day, so the sky’s the limit.

The annual friend’s meet-up

• It will be: Wistful/pissed/ fisticuffs.
• In attendance: All crazy friends.
• You will need: Tons of comical reminiscences, because once those run out, the fun will wilt like a rose in the Sahara.
• You will encounter: An ancient photo that makes you wonder how you didn’t use to get your head kicked in every day.
• Chances of sex: If your ex is there, 100 per cent.
• The time to leave: Same as every year.

The House Party

• It will be: Recession-Proof.
• In attendance: Everyone who can’t afford to pub/club/ fried-chicken/taxi (i.e. everyone).
• You will need: As many crates of dirty Godfather beer as you can carry.
• You will encounter: The police.
• Chances of sex: You’ll most likely to be too busy guiding the about-to-puke out onto the patio.
• The time to leave: It’s at yours, so you can’t leave. But if it gets too much, sneak off to a motel.

Your parents’ party

• It will be: Incredibly boring.
• In attendance: Family, neighbours, friends of your parents, and a scary cousin.
• You will need: A hip-flask of whiskey.
• You will encounter: The most racist and disgusting joke ever and awful music.
• Chances of sex: 0 per cent.
• The time to leave: To quote hotel California, “You can check out anytime, but you can never leave!”

From the January 2018 issue of FHM India.