The Cybersexplorer: Can You Pull Online in 24 Hours?

Bored on a Tuesday our fearless sexplorer sets himself a challenge – can he navigate his way to shag a stranger within 24 hours?

“Hundreds of girls in your area!” “Women looking for hot sex right now!” The internet is bursting at its digital seams with comely ladies desperate to have sex immediately, and tons of them apparently in the same postcode. So scoring a shag within a relatively leisurely 24 hours should be no problem, right? And I know exactly where I’m going to start.

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Shagbook is an adult hook-up website that is in no way trying to profit from a popular social networking site of a similar name and look. Like most adult relationship sites it claims sign-up is free, and while technically this is true to get any kind of interaction going you need to upgrade your membership. Translation? That’ll be £9.99 (Rs 720) for 30 days, sir.

Having parted with my tenner I get down to business, nailing my profile pic by posing topless between my stairs and my vacuum cleaner and nailing my description by making it very clear what I’m after. “Fun-loving, athletic 29-year-old male looking for hot, NSA (no strings attached) sex in the London area” reads my bait and by the time the clock strikes 9am I have a bite. Danielle is 31, lives in Clwyd and appears to be the result of a condom-less copulation between Albert Einstein and Martina Navratilova. Not a stunning start, but a start nonetheless. I practise some dirty talk on her, then quickly avert my attention to Melissa. She’s 26, from London and looking for a w/e man. I tell her I’m free Saturday. She ROFLs – w/e means well-endowed, so before we go any further she’s going to need to see a picture of my penis – “flaccid or erect”, she “doesn’t mind”. I do, however. I decline her kind offer and… conversation over. Permanently. And not just from Melissa either. Despite sending a further 35 messages to women supposedly online I get not one virtual skirt raise. Bollocks. Unused, unwanted bollocks. Sensing the clock ticking, I opt to go swinging.

Swingingheaven.co.uk costs £14.99 (Rs 1100) to converse on and reckons, come Sunday evening, my local Tesco’s car park is a hotbed of action. Unfortunately it’s Tuesday lunchtime, but what’s this? Sing hallelujah, all is not lost. The site also has a section called ‘Quickies’, which features 99 ads from people wanting action at this very moment. Fuck modern Britain. Of the 99 adverts, 98 are m4m (men for men). And the one that isn’t is from Charlie – an Essex-based lady who is looking for three men to ‘play rape’ her while her husband films it. Hmm. Depressed by humanity (and my lack of progress), I seek sexpert help. “If a woman’s out for a one-night-stand she’s usually after three things,” reveals sex guru Tracey Cox, whose book Supersex For Life is out now. “Firstly, she wants to find a man who’s much better looking than the ones she’d normally go for, so she can morally justify the sex by saying he was so handsome she couldn’t resist him. Secondly, she’ll make sure she chooses someone she won’t run into again, and finally, she wants to know it’s going to be worth it – that the sex is going to be far better, wilder and more risqué than what she’s used to.”

Heeding this advice, I join getlaidtonight.co.uk for £12.97 (Rs 950) a month and create a profile that features a picture of a male model, highlights both my ability and kinkiness in the sack and emphasises the fact that I travel regularly for work. Bullseye! Within ten minutes the delightfully named ‘fuckslut’ is on my tail.

I toil over the keyboard, agonising over every word to make sure I hit exactly the right note and, just 40 minutes later, am happy with the message I’ve produced. Full stop. Send. Here goes nothing. No really, here goes nothing. My carefully crafted prose bounces back because fuckslut’s profile “no longer exists”. And neither do the profiles of the other four women who’ve contacted me. I glance up at the clock. It’s midnight. Just seven hours to go – time to chat live.

Launched by Craig Newmark in San Francisco in 1995, craigslist.com was originally a free website where people could put up classified ads for things like jobs, events and houses. The problem? It instantly became a huge internet success story (craigslist now serves 570 cities in 50 countries and receives 50 million unique users a month in the US alone). The problem with that? With success comes sex ads – the site is now far more famous for its casual encounters than it is for its classifieds. ‘Casual encounters’ I am currently perusing.

Hidden amidst the multitude of men in hotels looking to get their penises sucked is an ad from a black girl who “wants a bit of ebony inside her”. Despite being resolutely ivory, I send a topless pic. “Mmmm,” replies Monique xxxxx. “Now let me see your face.” I send her a headshot and she hits me back instantly. Am I in? No. “Eugh, actually, let’s leave it,” she states. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more hurt.

But, hurt or not, it’s 2am, so there’s no time to feel sorry for myself. I ignore the Portuguese guy selling a framed pair of his girlfriend’s pants, somehow pick up two Russian pen pals (Marina and Mariya – I’m teaching them English) and then message a BBW girl looking for a date. Her response and attached picture reveals exactly what BBW means – big, beautiful woman. And with that I’ve had just about enough of the internet for one day. Note: that’s just about enough.

Before I draw the line under a cloud-ridden day I attempt to find an ejaculatory silver lining by accepting upforkate’s offer of a 40-minute web show for £20 (Rs 1500). “I’ll do anal and squirting, anything,” she’d claimed when I contacted her during my craigslist trawl. Guess what? She doesn’t. She sits on a dirty mattress, half-heartedly playing with herself. Then, just as she’s about to take her pants off, my money runs out, leaving me looking into a blank screen.

From the October 2010 issue of FHM India.